So then...it is what it is...

I wouldn't hurt a fly.
I can no more deliberately set out to inflict hurt on another person, than I can fly to the moon.
Its just not part of who I am, who my mum raised me to be, or  reflect the footsteps I chose to tread in, when I chose to follow Jesus.
And hand in Hand with that goes seeing only the best in people, the positive spin, showing people grace in times they may not deserve it. Its why I was nicknamed Pollyanna....Remember?...only seeing the good.

It means that sometimes I am naive.
That I will blame myself before I lay blame squarely on the shoulders that deserve to carry it.

I just turn my cheek and I take it.
"They don't mean it" I say to myself.
"perhaps I'm misunderstanding" I tell me.
"I probably deserve it!", and even though it makes no sense to me, I'll concede to the wisdom of these finger pointers, because I care for them, and assumed they cared for me.

But I am wrong.
Sometimes the hand throwing the stone is intentionally hurtful.
it means to hurt me , to harm, damage, break, crush, destroy.


The people who love me ask
" why do you keep doing this to yourself? These people have done you harm, why are you letting them? This is not how friends treat each other. This is wicked. Its wrong. Its intention is evil"

And for the longest time I would say, from the depths of my heart, no you are wrong, these people are true, and kind and if they have a funny way of showing it, well we all have funny ways don't we? And the people who love me would look at me and shake their heads.
They knew what was coming.

And so time trips along and each week I'd hear back another lie, another twisted truth, a dash of misinformation. I'd see people I'd know who would turn away to avoid speaking to me like I had leprosy. Or they would stop to say hello and before I could speak announce that they "didn't want to know what happened". Or worse, that I would meet people after church and know within a few short moments that they had "heard of me" before they had met me. Or the others, also hurt by this, who would pull me into the biggest hug in the middle of the supermarket and say..."we're so sorry, we know what happened"
"How" I ask? It hasn't come from me or mine I know.
"They're not careful who is around when they speak, we heard it from the horses mouth"
(James 1:26)

So this week
"What's changed? What's different this time?" Russell held me, kissed my forehead.
Not for the first time in the past 19 months.
He wants to put me in his pocket where I'll be safe and they can't hurt me anymore.
"Its just a photo" I say. "but....Look how pleased they are with themselves."
And now I see that the only person whose heart was broken was me.
They got the result they intended.
They hide it from the world with crocodile tears and lying by omission, after all, we must make sure we keep up the illusion. Cover our wolf nature with a sheep skin.

We have spent a lot of time, my man and I , talking and in prayer, waiting to know our next step.
And this is all we can do. We are closing doors. We are stepping away from harm, from pharisaism, from wicked little tongues. We are moving out of our holding pattern and moving forward.

There is a nobility in not fighting back, in turning the other cheek , in holding your head high and walking away.
It is the hardest road but
I need throw no stones, I have no need to lie, twist the truth, cover my tracks.
I don't need to bring someone else down to feel good about myself.
God knows my heart.

We are away for the weekend. No posts til Monday and then...wait for it guys I have big, really big plans.... big enough to match my dreams I reckon.
Thanks for hearing me....
Love Linda X

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 1 Corinthians 13:4